Sunday, December 28, 2008

The gift of Insight

My kids are away today and I'm feeling a little bit lonely...it's been a fairly common feeling of late, but today it feels a little different. Today feels like I can do something that will change my mood and lift my own spirit by doing something kind for someone who I believe is FAR lonelier than I will ever, ever know.

The back story:

The night before Christmas eve was particularly difficult for me. The blahs had been hanging around all week and I never really did feel in the spirt of the season. I miss my family terribly and didn't have an especially terrific Christmas to look forward to this year.

So I opened my home to my neighbors to enjoy a warm potluck dinner indoors. Afterwards, we took our cocktails out front to give candy canes to the looky-loos that drive down our street admiring the light displays on almost every house. This annual tradition started about 6 years ago and has become the hallmark of our neighborhood, and has created a circle of friends out of folks that ordinarily would be just "neighbors". We help each other year-round with big chores, small tasks, loans of tools and cups of sugar, we help with a meal when one of us is facing a particular challenge, we celebrate birthdays together and we all keep an eye on suspicious activitiy. Right after Thanksgiving everyone gives a helping hand to ensure each house is lit before the first Saturday in December, then we all participate in the weekly bon-fires and potlucks, the guys even take turns putting on the santa suit, and when it gets too cold or too late we send our kids indoors to each others homes to watch movies or play video games.

I love my neighbors and my neighborhood. I feel safe and cared for here. But lately, my "white picket fence" has been falling down and the neighbors have started to distance themselves. We are still close, but finding common ground is growing more and more difficult. However, I do care about these people so, last Tuesday, I tried to buoy my sinking spirit by sharing a meal and some conversation with my friends. Unfortunately, I was met with a reminder of how fragile some bonds are, and how fickle people can be in their decisions about who to let in to their circle:

Matthew, a little boy, 11 years old, started coming around our neighborhood about two years ago or so, looking for a friend, someone to play with. Well, we have about 10 kids on the block all within the 9 - 13 year old age range. He started hanging out more and more and pretty soon the kids, as well as the adults, were aware that he was staying far too long, and he starting to do things our kids would not do; like doorbell ditching. So the kids and the adults started to say "No, you cannot come in." "No, Aaron does not want to play.", and soon enough, he stopped coming around.

Tuesday night after our meal, as we adults were standing around the fires warming our hands and bodies, and after all the kids had been sent indoors, my neighbors and I see a young kid walking down the other side of the street. My neighbor says, "Oh my gosh, is that Matthew? What's he doing out so late?" So I called him over to sit by the fire. I asked him how he was doing, how was school (you know, the usual chit chat between an adult and child) and suddenly my friend says to him "Matthew, you need to go home". And my other neighborfriend says, "Yes, it's time for you to go". Then they proceeded to talk about how terrible it was that his grandfather would let him go out at night by himself. And finally, they said in unison, "Matthew! You need to go home NOW!"

So, while I stood there dumbfounded at the lack of compassion or even politeness aimed at this child, he stood up and with a crushed look on his face (I can only say I could feel it more than I saw it) walked away into the dark.

I WAS PISSED! I turned to my friends and said, "So you're saying he shouldn't be out walking by himself in the dark and yet, you just told him to go alone into the night?!" (My neighbor then offered to go find him and walk him home...she tried, but he had gotten too far and I have to believe he wasn't in much of a mood to have some unkind neighbor lady walk with him.)

I tried to reason with my friends about Mathew's obviously unsatisfactory homelife and what it must feel like to be such a non-entity in his own home, that he goes out alone at night seeking a friendly face, or maybe just escaping a crappy situation. But, they wouldn't listen and just kept saying "He knows he's not welcome here", "He knows when he should be home". Really? What if YOU were never taught boundaries or told of the social stigma of overstaying your welcome, or what if you lived with a grandfather who barely knows how to take care of himself, let alone an 11 year old child...

It suddenly hit me that the crushed look on that boy's face, was the feeling I had been having all week; one of pure, intense, loneliness. No one should ever have to feel THAT lonely, especially at Christmastime. I felt his loneliness mix with mine and well up inside me. I went home and cried. I cried sadness for Matthew, and I cried anger at the thoughtlessness of my neighbors actions, I cried disappointment in humanity, and I cried at my own inability to react more quickly in this child's defense. My kids heard me and wanted to know what was wrong. I told them about how important it is to open your heart to others less fortunate, and to be kind to everyone without casting judgement. I then asked my kids to be nice to the boy, and to include him in their games occasionally. And my kids, being the wonderful, shining examples of un-jaded innocence and kindness that they are, immediately nodded their understanding and with a big group hug, asked me when could they invite Matthew over to play. I said as soon as possible (as long as we set some appropriate boundaries, of course).

Unfortunately they haven't been home to be able to ask him over, but I do have some free time today. Today I'm going to bring Matthew a small Christmas present. And I'm going to finish that conversation we started at the fire pit. And I'm going to get his phone number, so the kids can call him and invite him over. And hopefully, I'm going to make his day just a tiny bit better - I know my day will be one of the best days of Christmas yet!

Each day that I open my heart and my mind wider and wider to the possibilities of this world, I become a better person. One of the major tenets of Buddhism is to alleviate suffering; for yourself and for the world. I don't make resolutions, but acting with loving kindness towards those who need it most is certainly something I can do more of, starting today and continuing on in the New Year.

Peace and Blessings Friends!
Be kind to one another, it's the greatest gift of all.

Note: Matthew has been over a couple of times since this post and my kids always let me know how nice they've been to him. They want me to be proud of them, and I AM!