Friday, July 25, 2008

Confessions of a wanna-be Buddhist

In Buddhism there are 3 poisons;

1. Ignorance of the truth
(the truth lies within us and we must seek to find it - this is the journey I am on)

2. Attachment

3. Aversion

Attachment has two subsets; pride and jealousy. We are so attached to our possessions and accomplishments that they become a source of pride; it fixes us in place entangling and entrapping us, deadening the living flow of authenticity and spirit. The search for truth would then end here.

Jealousy means that we are not happy with what we have or we are not fully self-loving which will never allow us to give or receive genuine acceptance or love, which is unselfish and not codependent. This is one of the joyful realizations of the journey and also one of the scariest things to practice because you have to have ultimate trust that the universe is a friendly place and that whatever happens was meant to be.

In Summary: Because we are ignorant of the truth we think we can be made happy by fulfilling our attachments to a specific person, place, thing, feeling. Inevitably we are disappointed, then aversion, dislike or even hatred rears its ugly head.

My Confession: Sometimes I think I'm deluding myself, that eventually I will tire of the journey and go back to being the same ignorant, attachment prone, low self-esteem poser that I used to be...but what a train wreck that would be, it's almost if now that I've begun I can't turn back or I will be destroyed, but sometimes it's just as exhausting to let go of all the old habits and self-deprecating thoughts as it is to hold on to them...that's when I meditate and read.

If I were able to apply all of the tenets and avoid all of the poisons of Buddhism to my life, I should be able to forgive anything and love anyone no matter what, but so far that hasn't been possible and I'm positive that it never will be, at least not for me. I'm still human after all!!

The cool thing is, that even among Buddhist teachers, there is acknowledgement that even though we seek the truth, we are not all destined to become monks... in other words, just being on the journey is enough, and my path may not follow the same path as someone else's (my path has a few pot-holes in it, that's for sure -- I doubt I could ever be fully vegetarian, I like a glass of wine or a beer now and then, and I'm not about to shave my head or, worse, wear orange! Orange is a horrible color on me.)

So I guess I will continue down my bumpy, sometimes scary, sometimes confusing road, not knowing where I will end up, but always knowing that I am headed in the right direction!!!